episode 2

David= Julio Ricardo Montoyo Montez(host)
Sean= Gwenhyvar Myfanwy (scientist)
Jarret=Megaforgeas Logophobia (civilian)
Kenny= Loan Shark

Musical intro

David HI, I’m Julio Ricardo Montoyo Montez, and this is the really short science report. The topic for today’s show is weather, and hopefully related topics. And now to the idiotic man who we call “smart;” Professor Gwenhyvar Myfanwy!

Sean Well, first off I would like to thank the host for the great intro. Well, anyway… Hi, I’m (Looks at the pronunciation of his name on his arm and recites it slowly) Pro-fess-or Ga-when-ha-var-my-fan-yeah. (Acts excited that he got his name right, as everyone applauds.) And today’s show is brought to you by sarcasm; because that shirt you’re wearing- looks great on you. Since today we are talking about the weather, how about we start with air motion? I know what you’re thinking; “oh, he means wind-” well you’re wrong! You’re all wrong! Wrong I say! You’re all sitting there in you comfy audience seats, all hoity-toity like, and you think, “I know about weather! I’m a scientist now!” (With a choked up, emotional voice) You have no idea how hard it is to be a scientist, all the hard work and the sacrifices, and you-

David Professor! Professor! Can we please stick to the subject just for five minutes? For FIVE MINUTES!

Sean Oh… well yeah, I guess… if I have to. So anyway, today we’ll be starting off with air lifting. Now, air lifting is caused by four main mechanisms; orographic lifting, frontal wedging, convergence, and localized convective lifting.

Jarret Did you just say oral-graphic lifting?

David What? You again? How do you keep on getting in here?

Jarret The door was unlocked.

David But the security guards! With tasers! And nightsticks!

Jarret What, you mean the fat guys with the blue shirts?

David Those would be the ones.

Jarret Never underestimate the power of donuts.

David Donuts? The studio guards let you in for a box of donuts?

Jarret Well, the donuts my have sweetened the deal, but I think what really won them over was their respect for President Andrew Jackson. But anyway, is that really important? I want to hear about this graphic-oral lifting- it sounds like my kind of subject.

Sean It’s orographic lifting, not graphic oral,; get your mind out of the gutter! Orographic
lifting is when high places like mountains block up the airflow. The air goes up the slope of the mountain, where it cools, and forms precipitation. Some of the rainiest places on earth are in these mountainous locations.

Jarret So… what you’re saying is that when the area gets all mountainy, the air goes up, and it… rains?

Sean Yes. (Looking very pleased that he knows what he’s talking about)

Jarret Hoora! I’m scientifical!

Sean GGRRAAAARRWWW!!! WRONG! WRONG! (Choking Jarrett)

David Oh, come on, not again! Professor! Happy place! Happy Place!

Sean ANGER! MUST Smash!

David Professor, please, take your medicine!

Kenny Hey that sounds like Professor Gwenhyvar Myfanwy

David Yes, who are you?

Kenny I’m a Loan Shark He owes me money

David Well can you help me break them up?

Sean (stops choking Jarrett) I was going to give you the money I swear

Kenny It’s the money or your knee caps you son of a hippie.

Sean Oh come on, not my knee caps

Kenny You climbed over a fence and ran off last time I caught up with you

Sean Don’t you remember I have turrets, I don’t even know why I ran off. I had just gotten
paid from the last RSSR show. Look, I’m in the middle of a show right now! And I’m getting a big check after we’re done!

Kenny How big?

Sean As big as a massive cold front in July!

Kenny All right, you’ve got till the end of the show.

Sean All right, now, there are other types of lifting. If there weren’t other types of lifting, the
North American flatlands would be a big desert, instead of the nation’s breadbasket-

Jarret I like bread.

Kenny Did someone say bread?

Sean NO! Anyway, with frontal wedging, masses of cold air block out masses of less dense warm air, forcing it to rise up. But air doesn’t have to be different temperatures to rise. In general, whenever any two air masses collide in the lower atmosphere, they both rise. On warm days, the earth gets hot, and the heat makes the air rise, making the lower air cool, and the higher air hot, and then as it rises the hot air sinks, making a big loop, called a convective current-

Kenny What? Gwen, that has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! That’s not convection lifting! You see, when it gets warm out, earth’s surface isn’t heated equally, causing some pockets of air to have different temperatures then the air around them. (Everyone stares)

Kenny What? It’s the discovery channel- I saw it right before a special on Mafia’s of today.

Sean Well... that… ends the show, thanks for-

David What? No, more show! There is more show! We still haven’t mentioned air pressure and air masses!

Sean You’re right. You see, when the earth catches radiation from the sun, it gets bounced back up off the planet’s surface and gets trapped by gases in the atmosphere-

David Professor? That was the last show!

Sean Well any way, Air pressure pushes in all directions, down, up, and sideways.

Jarret Hooray, a roller coaster!

Sean Yeah… I really wish you’d go and ride it. The air pressure pushing down on an object balances the air pressure pushing up.

David But isn’t there anything that effects the way air moves besides pressure?

Sean I’m glad you asked that. There is, in fact, something else that alters the way air moves.

Kenny Ooh, ooh, I know!

Sean really?

Kenny Yeah; air conditioning!

Sean well, yes, but at the same time; a great, resounding no.

Jarret Ooh! Helicopters!

Sean No! The Coriolis Effect.

David But I thought the Coriolis Effect was an ocean thing.

Sean It works for air, too.

Jarret I have no clue what either of you are talking about, so I’ll just smile and nod.

Sean The coriolis effect describes the way the earth’s rotation effect moving objects. Simply
put. It states that fluids or objects that move freely are deflected to the right of their paths in the northern hemisphere of the planet, and left in the southern half.

Kenny That’s SIMPLY put?

Sean You know what? Quiet, Suzan!

Kenny Hey! How did you find out my name?

Sean Not important, Suzy!

Jarret Suzy? But that’s... Not a guy’s name…. are you not telling us something?

Kenny No! It’s a long story… it involves my parents, three martinis and the maternity ward.

Sean The finally subject for today’s show is air masses. There are 4 different air types,
Continental Polar, Continental Tropical, Maritime Polar, and Maritime Tropical.

Jarret I thought there was seven, or twelve, or ninety.

Sean No there’s 4

Kenny No one cares about your personal life!

Jarret LOL! You’re wrong, Suzy. Maritime means those air masses are having a very merry
time.

Sean No, there are 4; as in how many brain cells you have. Maritime means it’s from the ocean!

Kenny But… Mariedtime just makes so much more sense than your cockamamie idea of ocean air masses.

Sean Nobody cares what you think, Suzy

Jarrett Right. And tropical means it’s warm, and polar means its cold.

David Very good! Have a cookie!

Jarret Hooray! Cookie! Cookie!

Kenny Say, Megafergie; you better give me one of those cookies.

Jarret NO!!!!!MY COOKIES!!!MINE!!!!

Sean Well… that… concludes our show?

David Hey, you got it right- good job!

Sean (running away after his first name) I’m Professor Gwenhyvar Myfanwy, thanks for watching!

Kenny I’m Suzy- I mean… I’m Bob … Bobson, signing off- hey! Come back with my money!

David and I’m, Julio Ricardo Montoyo Montez, see you next time on; The Really Short Science Report!

Jarret And I’m Megafor-

Sean You’re still not part of the show! (Attack Jarret)

Kenny Money! (Attacks Sean)

David Ratings! (Tries to stop the fighting)